If someone says you have harmed them
I’ve been accused
This page is not going to tell you how to defend yourself, and it does not offer confidentiality. It is about what happens next, and what makes it worse.
Start here
The things below are the ones that most reliably make the situation worse — for the person who raised the concern, for any fair process, and for you.
What makes it worse
- Contacting the person who raised the concern.
- Asking friends, training partners or your coach to approach them on your behalf.
- Campaigning for support, or gathering statements.
- Posting publicly about the allegation.
- Trying to obtain a retraction, an apology, or a private resolution.
None of that is about whether the account is right. It is about the fact that every one of those actions is read as pressure, and will be, whatever you intended by it.
If you believe the account is wrong
You are allowed to disagree with what has been said about you.
You may remember events differently, think important context is missing, or believe that something being described did not happen. A fair process should give you a real opportunity to give your account and share relevant information.
If there is a formal process, use it. Keep what you say factual and focused on what you know:
- describe what you remember;
- keep facts separate from assumptions;
- say when you are unsure, or don't remember;
- keep relevant messages and other records;
- share relevant information through that process, not around it.
Don't contact the person who raised the concern to settle the disagreement directly, unless that has been explicitly agreed as part of a safe process. Don't pressure witnesses, and don't ask teammates to take sides.
Differences in memory, or details that don't line up, do not on their own mean that someone is lying. In the same way, an allegation is not a finding that misconduct happened.
You may be asked to keep a temporary boundary while a concern is looked at — not attending certain sessions, or not contacting someone. These measures exist to protect everyone involved. Keeping to them is not an admission of anything.
If the allegation could have serious disciplinary, employment or legal consequences, you may want to get independent advice.
Getting your own support
Being accused of harming someone can be frightening, isolating and overwhelming. You don't have to deal with it alone.
It helps to talk to someone who is not directly involved in what happened. That might be:
- a trusted friend or family member outside the situation;
- a counsellor or therapist;
- a support person provided through your organisation, if there is one;
- a lawyer or other independent adviser, if the allegation could have serious legal or disciplinary consequences.
If there is a formal process, you may be able to bring a support person to meetings. If you can, choose someone who is not a witness and is not likely to become one.
Support is a place to talk through how you are feeling and understand your options. It is not the same as building a case. Don't use the people supporting you to look into what happened, contact the person who raised the concern, gather statements, or bring others round to your side.
You can look after yourself and still leave the facts to the process.